Dear Readers and Writers
by stupidpsa
Summary: Characters act out everything that is written about them, from the great JK Rowling to your ficlet. They don't want to complain, it's a living. Actually, they do want to complain and they are willing to break the third wall to do it. Each character will address problems in a short chapters: defiantly vs. definitely, Marauders Read Strunk and White, and your requested pet peeve.
1. Chapter 1

"Why do I have to do this?" Harry asked Hermione, who was just out of sight.

"Because you're the star and the leader," Hermione answered.

"Fine," Harry sighed, he cleared his throat, and faced the reader. "I am breaking the third wall to bring you this PSA announcement. Every time you write a story, we have to act it out. This is our burden to bear, as popular characters."

"But I would like to raise awareness about certain…irritations we have. Things that make a story tiresome to act out, and most likely drive away readers.'

'These include typos, obnoxiously poor grammar-"

"Or most poorest grammar," Ron called out. There was a chorus of groaning, implying there were many, many characters just out of sight.

"Good effort dear brother, but sometimes-" George began.

"-a statement is too true to be funny," Finished Fred.

"And blindsiding a reader, or character, with an unexpected cliché," Harry finished. "Really, put a warning in that summary. Take a look at your stats, look at hits per chapter. Is there a point where the hits drop off dramatically? Think about what you may have done to drive readers away."

"It's perfectly fine in fan fiction, you're free to go in your own direction," Hermione said. "But if you ever choose to take up writing as a profession, you depend on your consumers."

"Or you could just put a warning in your summary," Harry said, seeming frustrated that everyone else was taking over. "I can promise you, for all the people it's driving away, there will be an almost equal amount that is searching for it. You just aren't attracting the right niche."

"It's called marketing!" Fred shouted from out of view. "Advertise in your summary, attract your niche!"

"Plus we brace ourselves based on what you write in the summary," George said.

"I would be more than happy to let you guys do this instead," Harry challenged.

"No Harry, we agreed that you will introduce the concept, and the rest of us take over for a specific pet peeve," Ron said. "And you're done already. Now who here can shout the loudest? Everyone start shouting."

"Sorry, Dumbledore! YOUR ARE TOO QUIET!" Ron's yelling was barley heard over the chorus of competitive shouting. "YOU TOO HARRY! SNAPE YOU AREN'T EVEN SHOUTING-BUT YOUR QUIET IS SCARY. YOU JUST MIGHT WIN."

Harry leaned in close so he could be heard.

"Next announcement is about a particular typo!" He said loudly. "We need someone who can scream it into your heads."

* * *

_AN:_  
_This isn't just me expressing my outrage, it can be your outrage too! Tell me about something that you've just gotten sick of reading, and I just may agree and put it in. As always, I don't own Harry Potter._


	2. Defiantly vs Definitely

Snape sat in his desk, glaring in the general direction of you, the reader.

"Tell me what you see," He snarled through gritted teeth.

Beside his desk was a blackboard with writing on it. The writing was a list of examples.

_Malfoy sneered in my direction as he walked towards his seat. I felt myself glaring back. Oh, I __defiantl__y was not in love with Malfoy, no matter what Hermione said. _

_Harry watched the other seeker spot the snitch before him, and charged. Harry pulled ahead; the other seeker was __defiantly__ not winning. _

"Can you see the problem, or was underlining it not clear enough for you?" Snape asked, contempt and anger present in every word. "You see how this typo could be irritating? Actually, I wouldn't even call it a typo. I will tell you why."

Snape leaned in closer, with rage pouring from his eyes.

"Because, if a writer types defiantly in place of definitely once, it is a promise that they will do it every time," Snape said. "_Every time._ They won't even use the word defiantly as an adverb describing an act against authority. No, that would be giving too much credit."

"In fact, I am checking the legality of a smear campaign," Snape said, holding up a large book on his desk that was titled Terms and Conditions.

"Okay, I think we need to calm down here," Harry shouted as he came barging in. "How about this? Everyone check your stories for this typo, because when I explain our irritation, anyone who has read this psa will have a hard time taking your story seriously."

Harry took a deep breath, and called Fred and George over.

"We know that you meant definitely, but we act out what you wrote, not what you meant," Harry said. "We're like a computer program that way."

Fred and George looked confused, and turned to Harry.

"Muggle thing," Harry dismissed. "Whenever we are acting a scene, and there is a misplaced defiantly, we act defiantly. In the fashion a terrible Shakespearian stage actor. Please demonstrate."

Fred and George stood with their legs spread apart, navel thrust forward. Their heads were bent so far back it was as their nipples were attached to strings that giant condors were pulling upwards as they flew into the sky. Heads leaning back, fist held up to their hearts. A look of grim snarling defiance was on their faces, and their eyes were bugged out from trying to glare so hard.

"Read that through, three times at least," Harry said. "This is what we are forced to do. If I have to see Malfoy do this, in the skinny jeans _**you**_ think he looks _sooooooo_ good in, one more time I will let Voldemort out of his cage and sick him after you!"

"If you are done Potter, I would like to finish," Snape said. Harry nodded and walked away. "Read your stories through, and fix this detail. Because this typo make an otherwise well written story very hard to read."

He turned the blackboard to the other side and it had a message.

_Review to leave an Author who __defiantly__ has this problem. (Forgive my joke)_

_Definitely, is an adverb that means something is with absolute certainty. _

_Defiantly, is an adverb describes an action against authority._

_I'm sorry if it is insulting that I have explained this to you, but you have consistently said defiantly when you clearly meant definitely. Please get a beta, or be aware of this in the future. _

"It's a little too polite to effectively get the point across, in my experience," Snape commented. "But my idea was rejected by the group."

Hermione came into view as Snape stalked out.

"Now, there is a trend in the use of the word definitely," Hermione said. "Even when it's used correctly. So let's do a little challenge. Write a sentence with the word definitely in it, as you would in a story. "

Hermione stands, waiting on you to write the sentence. Really, do this; it's for your own good.

"Now, cross out the word definitely, and tell me this…does it read better? If your sentence doesn't make sense, tweak it a little. However doubt that many of you will have to do this," Hermione said. "I hate to be an English teacher impersonator, but the word is almost always a detriment to its user. If you have a sentence that proves me wrong, send it through a review."

* * *

_AN: Sorry if it got a little intense, but I really hate this typo. And I've come to hate both words actually, since one is always makes a sentence clunky to read and the other is almost always never used correctly._


	3. Drarry

The scene opens with Draco Malfoy and Harry potter sitting in two chairs. They were at an angle that faced the reader, but were tilted towards each other.

"We have to speak to you about Drarry," Harry said solemnly. "I'm going to begin by saying this: we aren't telling you to stop, as much as we hate it, we respect your indulgences even if you have no respect for us."

"The reason we have been so calm about this is that we have developed fractured personalities," Draco explained. "Nearly everyone has one devoted to handling slash stories."

"Not slash as in, gay couple is present, rated T," Harry clarified. "Malfoy and I have acted out many dates without going Sybil."

"The Divination professor?" Malfoy asked, turning to Harry.

"No, muggle thing," Harry explained.

"Back to the topic on hand, my alternate, or slashernate, Dray has developed some issues and has thought to discuss them with me," Draco said. "Mostly issues with kinky stuff. I would like to say that I am not a submissive person, and while Dray may not have as much a problem with that as I do, he would like me to remind you that there's a difference between letting another take charge and letting another beat the tar out of you."

"What!" Harry shrieked. "My slashernate has been keeping secrets! He has never mentioned this stuff."

"Well you could have developed another alternate, or Har knew that you would have a problem with beating Dray." Draco sneered, as if it should have been obvious.

"Wait, isn't Draco short for Draconis?" Harry asked. "I know that Harry is short for Harrison. Why shorten our names more?"

"I don't know, it's rather senseless," Draco replied. "And yes, Draco is short for Draconis."

"There is something else I want to bring up, some of the actors who played us in the movies were very accurate, and some were an acceptable interpretation of a written description," Harry said. "Tom Felton is what I would call the best possible interpretation of Draco's described features."

Draco pouted at the insult, but nodded. Admitting it was true.

"So, I am telling you to lay off writing soft-core porn descriptions. And stop putting him in skinny jeans," Harry said.

"Jeans?" Malfoy asked.

"Exactly!" Harry shouted. "And Tom Felton never looked very girly, and Draco has never been described with a single feminine adjective in the books!"

"I will say this on behalf of Dray," Draco interrupted. "Dray wants a break from Drarry. As Draco, I'll admit that my sexuality was never actually addressed in the books. I know that one disappointed yule ball with Pansy can't be taken as proof; especially since I was disappointed that Hermione and Krum went together. I also know that a most likely arranged marriage hardly establishes heterosexuality. Since my upbringing and stubbornness makes denial seem like a plausible explanation."

"Are you coming out of the closet?" Harry asked, only half taunting.

"Shut up…Harry has been interested in girls from a reasonable age," Draco continues after interruption. "All Dray wants is a little break, someone in Slytherin Perhaps? Someone who the original character, me, hasn't been disgusted with his entire life?"

"You're obsess-"

"Don't you start! Who stalked whom? And give me one example of a time where I taunted you, after first year, where you hadn't recently done something that commanded that attention of the whole school," Draco challenged. "And don't harp on first year either, you rejected my hand in friendship, how was I supposed to react?"

"That was not an offering of friendship," Harry challenged.

Draco glared at Harry for a moment.

"You're right, after all how could a boy who had always had others coming to him begging for friendship, who'd always had the upper hand and was taught to act so, who had never had the benefit of normal socialization-" Draco ranted.

"Point made!" Harry shouted. "You never knew how to approach a normal person as an equal."

* * *

_AN: This is of course my interpretation of why Drarry doesn't make sense. I can get (and like) Draco being interpreted as gay, honestly, I can. But arguing doesn't always equate to chemistry. You have the right to put it out there, but could someone write a good Blaise/Draco? For me, please? Nott/Draco or any Slytherin Male/Draco would do just as well. If you have one, review and tell me!_


End file.
